Are You Joking Me?

You know that friend that you have that constantly posts new profile pictures of herself (and it is always herself) on Facebook?  You know the ones.  The pictures are usually self-shot, often by judicious use of her bathroom mirror.  And rather than her smiling like a normal person, she's trying really hard to look all pouty and brooding, and she isn't looking at the camera, like she's trying to take a candid picture of herself, like she doesn't realize her own fucking camera is pointed at her.

Yeah, my wife has a friend like that.  (We'll call her "Missy Miss" here.)  She is as narcissistic and annoying as you would imagine someone like that to be, but she managed to surprise even me with the depths of her self-love when she requested that my wife send out a survey for her birthday.  My wife is supposed to collect the thoughts of all of her friends about what Missy Miss means to all of them.

Those ideas are great when someone does them spontaneously for you, but when you request one for yourself, you are a fucking train-wreck.  That's like planning your own surprise party.  No, check that.  That's like asking your friend to plan the surprise party for you and handing her the goddamn guest list and a list of ice cream preferences.

If you have a profile picture that you took yourself where you are looking away from the lens in a deliberate attempt to catch your best angle, close your Facebook account, shave your head, and go live in the fucking woods because you are too much of a waste to be part of my glorious new douchebag-free society.